JUSTICE LEAGUE : BUM LUCK
by Doctor Whoops
Summary: Poor John Stewart Having escaped an embarassing death he has to face up to the embarassing consequences...This started as a message board joke but took on a life of its own. As always dedicated toJ & P with my eternal love.
1. BUM BA LA BUMBA!

So It started like this, the Justice League were in space fighting a bunch of evil aliens when the Flash, Martian Manhunter, and Green Lantern got captured. Having been taken to meet the Evil Alien Leader who gives them the usual speech about how he is going to take over the universe and no one not even the league can stop him. The Evil Alien Leader then goes onto explain that in his culture it is traditional to offer prisoners a choice of fate.  
  
"What are our choices?" Asks Green Lantern.  
  
"You can choose between death or bumba," replies the evil alien leader.  
  
Before Green Lantern can reply Flash jumps in and say's "I choose the one that isn't death! I mean what can be worse than death right?"  
  
The Alien Leader nods sagely and say's "very well you have made your choice."  
  
The Flash is dragged to a podium where two burly alien guards pull down his red spandex leggings and proceed to shove long sharp sticks up his butt whilst the alien leader sings a traditional song about bumba.  
  
Flash screams and screams with the pain of it all and finally manages to vibrate his buttocks at superspeed and avoid most of the discomfort. When the evil alien leader finishes his song the guards stop shoving their sticks and Flash is told that his ordeal is over. The flash is delighted that he has survived, yet a little bit concerned that a small part of him enjoyed it. Then the Evil Alien Leader turns to J'onn the Martian Manhunter and asks him for his choice.  
  
"I too choose bumba!" replies J'onn, who is then dragged to the podium and subjected to the same ordeal whilst the Evil Alien Leader sings the traditional Bumba song. But as  
  
J'onn is able to phase through the sticks he survives the ordeal with no discomfort at all. Finally it is the turn of The Green Lantern John Stewart, realising that he can neither vibrate or phase through solid objects, and taking into account the fact that the Evil Alien Leader has confiscated his ring, and given the whole embarrassment of the situation decides to choose death. The Evil Alien Leader is taken aback "Never in the entire history of our civilisation has anyone ever chosen death over bumba, I must consult with the elders before I pronounce sentence." So the Evil Alien Leader goes to the alien temple to consult with the elders whilst Green Lantern awaits his fate. Eventually the Evil Alien Leader returns.  
  
"I have good news and bad news" he tells Green Lantern.  
  
"Have the Elders granted my request for death"? Green Lantern asks.  
  
The Evil Alien Leader nods "Yes that is the good news."  
  
"So what's the bad news?" Green Lantern asks knowing the answer in his heart.  
  
The Evil Alien Leader takes a deep breath before saying "The Elders have sentenced you to death by Bumba!" He then starts singing the song.. 


	2. BLOWING IN THE WIND

Needless to say John Stewart was spared the ordeal of Bumba as Superman came to the rescue in the nick of time, and the league overpowered the aliens and ensured they would never enforce their buttpoking ways on anyone else again. However as the weeks went by The League noticed a marked change in Green Lantern, he became distant, and withdrawn, but most noticeably and worst of all he suffered from bad guts! Green Lantern's habit of breaking wind in the Javelin became a major source of friction between the group. The noise was loud and the smell would cause everyone even Superman's eyes to water as they would choke and gasp for air. "I first noticed it after that mission in deep space," observed J'onn one day when Green Lantern wasn't around.  
  
"You mean when Superman saved his butt?" asked Flash "and I mean literally saved his butt!"  
  
"It's disgusting," Superman said to J'onn who nodded in agreement.  
  
"Oh come on," said Flash "you mean to say you guys don't?"  
  
"No," Said Superman and The Martian Manhunter in unison.  
  
"Memo to self," muttered Flash "Aliens don't Far-"  
  
"Well I think someone should tell him!" Interjected Hawkgirl and everyone gave her the "you've just volunteered yourself look." So the following day Hawkgirl decided to confront John Stewart over his disgusting new habit. She pleaded with him to stop ripping one off in the Javelin. He told her that he couldn't help it. Hawkgirl begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but Green Lantern wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and he was just fine. Hawkgirl told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "blow his guts out". The days went by and the League continued to suffer, all except Batman who had taken to wearing nose filters. Green Lantern continued to ignore Hawkgirl's warnings about "blowing his guts out" until One Thanksgiving morning Hawkgirl with more than a little encouragement from Flash came up with an idea. John had pulled a nightshift on the satellite and was fast asleep in his quarters. Some of the League had planned to have a thanksgiving feast so just  
  
Before dawn, Hawkgirl, Flash, and Wonder Woman boarded the Satellite and went to the kitchen to prepare the feast. Wonder Woman fixed pumpkin pie, Flash took care of the mashed potatoes and gravy, and Hawkgirl prepared the turkey. With an evil grin on her face Hawkgirl took out the turkey's innards, and placed the guts into a bowl and quietly walked towards John's quarters.  
  
"Are you sure about this Shayera?" Wonder Woman cautioned.  
  
"I am not sitting next to him in that ship again, J'onn thinks it's pscychological and so do I, this is the only way."  
  
Doubtful Wonder Woman looked to Flash for support but he was on the floor crying with laughter. Hawkgirl made her way to the unsupecting Green Lantern's room. And so hours before the flatulent Green Lantern would awake. And while he was still soundly asleep, Hawkgirl pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back John's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into John's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back to the kitchen to finish preparing the meal. Several hours later the rest of the League arrived in time to hear John awake with his normal loud butt-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as the Green Lantern of sector 2814 ran to the bathroom. Hawkgirl, and Flash, could not control themselves as their eyes began to tear up as they rolled on the floor helpless with laughter, leaving Diana to try and explain to a stern faced Batman. After weeks of putting up John's flatulence and his stubborn refusal to get treatment Hawkgirl had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, the league were shocked to see John Stewart standing in the doorway, a look of horror in his eyes.  
  
Biting her lip to keep from laughing Hawkgirl asked John what was the matter. He said, "Shayera, you were right - all those times you warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked Batman "What has been going on here?". "Well Hawkgirl told me that I would end up blowing my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But with God's help and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in." 


	3. KORUGARIAN TORTURE

Following the Chicken Guts incident John decided to take a leave of absence from the league. The embarrassing problem had disappeared and he still laughed to himself at the way he had managed to turn the tables on Hawkgirl. The look of horror on the faces of the League was priceless when he had told them that; "Hawkgirl told me that I would end up blowing my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But with God's help and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in." He had paused long enough to let it sink in before bursting into laughter and explaining that he had been in the bathroom cleaning up, and disposing of Hawkgirl's little joke. However John was conscious that the incident had damaged his reputation, it had reached a critical point when the following week The League and The Teen Titans had teamed up to dispose of a universal threat posed by Braniac and The Brotherhood Of Evil. On several occasions he had caught Beast Boy, and Cyborg, snickering with the Flash. He was sure he had heard Beast Boy singing "Bum Ba La Bumba" and Cyborg making chicken noises. So John Stewart busied himself wwith a long mission for The Guardians far away on the planet of Korugar.  
  
And so it was that John Stewart found himself out in the Korugarian wilderness hopelessly lost, the power from his ring drained. He was supposed to have hooked up with another Green Lantern but the mission had gone horribly wrong. It had been nearly three weeks since he'd eaten anything besides what he could forage and he'd been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. It had vines covering most of it and the Green Lantern couldn't see any other buildings in the area. However, he saw smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone was at home. He knocked on the door and an old man answered, with red skin and a beard almost down to the ground. Squinting his eyes the old man asked, "What do you want?" John Stewart replied, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight" The old Korugarian man said "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter" Exhausted and hungry John readily agreed, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning" The old Korugarian man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Korugarian torture tests ever known." "Ok, Ok" the Green Lantern said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the Green Lantern came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, her skin a bright pinkish red, and the most beautiful eyes and enticing smile John had ever seen. Her name was Katma Tui, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had been many, many, months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, John Stewart snuck into Katma Tui's bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The Green Lantern crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the Green Lantern awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Korugarian torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the Green Lantern thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Korugarian torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle". The Green Lantern, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Korugarian torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost". 


End file.
